When we think of fitness, we often think only of the physical. There are times that I long for mental fitness as well. With 4 teenagers in my household, sometimes mental fitness is a challenge.
Tonight was one of those evenings where every conversation with my daughter turned into an argument, even though the topic of conversation was about keeping her safe and having her feel loved.
When things go wrong in these conversations we both get caught up in emotional outbursts. Neither of us can hold back. We bring out the worst in each other. My focus, being a good mother, translates to her as a nosy, crazed, over-bearing idiot of a woman. And after she cuts me down a few times I actually do become rather crazed and idiotic, to the point that I say things I don’t mean.
So tonight I said terrible things. And then I went downstairs, sat at the computer and sobbed while shoving handfuls of chips into my quivering mouth. My throwback to comfort is food and if it’s available I’ll cram it into my soul by way of my mouth. The problem is that my soul feels bottomless at these times and it simply makes me more miserable to know that I’m undoing all my hard work at the gym. I feel lost.
After dissolving into a sobbing lump of cheddar sun chip scented misery my husband quietly asked if I maybe wanted to apologize instead of wallowing in misery. The true miracle was that my daughter accepted my apology and said she knew I didn’t mean those terrible things I’d said. I hope she meant that. Because I would eat the world and gain 800 pounds if I thought it would be the difference between her knowing she was loved as opposed to being hated by me. Obviously me eating the entire world isn’t going to change how my daughter feels about me.
All I know is that when I kissed my son good-night and whispered that I love him, and he said, very smarmily, “I know”… that I wish that would be the response I could expect from my daughter. I want that mental fitness between us. I’d take it over being physically fit any day.
